Memoirs of an Harry Potter Obsessed Lunatic
by EvilLordMoldyVoldy
Summary: Mindless ramblings from the frightening fortress of my mind...
1. Meeting Harry

Don't own Harry Potter… There would be a lot more—I mean fewer deaths in it if I owned it….

My friend Nicole helped write this part of the story…

**MEETING HARRY**

Me: I'm bored  
Nicole: Me too...  
Me: Want to meet Harry Potter?  
Nicole: Do I even want to know how?  
Me: It's simple, we just have to hitch hike on magic carpets.  
Nicole: What?  
Me: It worked in Aladdin  
Nicole: But aren't magic carpets illegal?  
Me: Isn't hitch hiking illegal?  
2nd Dark Lord: —walks up—  
Me: Hello... Want to meet Draco?  
Nicole: Stupid question...  
2nd Dark Lord: —is wearing Draco shirt, socks, wristbands, and has Draco written all over her arms—

Too many hours later:  
plane: —lands—  
2nd Dark lord: Why'd we have to take a plane?  
Me: Because someone —glares at Nicole— didn't want to hitch hike...  
Plane-person-who-announces-that-people-need-to-get-off-the-plane: —Announces that it is time for people to get off the plane—  
Me: I already owled the group —glances over at 2nd Dark Lord— including Draco... They said they would send someone to pick us up from the airport...  
Nicole: Who?  
2nd dark lord: IS IT DRACO? IS IT? IS IT? IS IT?  
Me: I don't know...  
2nd Dark Lord: IS IT?  
me: I TOLD YOU, I DONT KNOW!  
Nicole: —trips as she was walking down steps off the plane and falls into 2nd Dark Lord—  
me: —catches Nicole—  
2nd Dark Lord: —falls down steps—  
Nicole: SORRY! Um, are you okay?  
2nd Dark Lord: —no response— (her head hit the ground, do you expect her to be conscience after that fall?)

Half an hour later at St. Mungo's:  
2nd Dark Lord: —is asleep, and then wakes up screaming—  
Person-who-was-supposed-to-pick-us-up: Are you okay? That was a bad fall! Why'd you scream? What were you dreaming about?  
2nd Dark Lord: —blurred eyes— I dreamed that Harry was sent to pick us up instead of Drac—AHHH!  
Harry: —gets punched in the face by 2nd Dark lord—--  
2nd Dark Lord: —runs to find us (and kill me) —  
me: —is safely hidden under the invisibility cloak that was stolen--I mean borrowed from Harry—  
Draco: —Is conveniently already at St. Mungo's, and is then attacked by 2nd Dark Lord—  
2nd Dark Lord: DRACO! I CANT BELIEVE IM FINALLY MEETING YOU! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D EVER MEET YOU! I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! YOU'RE SO HOT! I LOVE YOU DRACO!  
Draco: —runs...very quickly—  
Nicole: —pretends like she doesn't know 2nd Dark Lord—  
Draco: —turns and runs down different hallway—  
Harry: —sits down next to Nicole and hands her a bag of popcorn—  
Draco: --runs into me--  
Me: Psst...Come under the cloak...  
Draco: WHAT?  
Me: I DIDNT MEAN IT THAT WAY!  
Draco: —comes under cloak— Some crazy girl is chasing me...  
Me: What else is new?  
Draco: Do you know her? Wait, you aren't teamed up with her are you?  
Me: —is holding rope and duct tape—  
Draco: —Is tied up in middle of hallway—  
2nd Dark Lord: —sees Draco— DRACO! HOW DARE YOU RUN FROM ME! YOU BELONG TO ME!

Nicole: This popcorn needs a bit more butter...  
Harry: I'll get some. Would you like a drink while I'm going to get the butter?  
Nicole: No thanks

Draco: —is hopping, as his legs are still tied together—  
2nd Dark Lord: DRACO!  
Nurse: —walks out into hallway—

5 hours later  
Nicole: It was only an hour later!  
Me: Well, it felt like five hours!

All: —Are being lectured by nurse for misconduct in hospital hallways—

Misconduct: —is a huge understatement—

My stupidity has no limits...


	2. Meeting the Gang

Still don't own it... But I will someday... Muahaha...  
I wrote another part that I'm going to be improvising now because I forgot most of it...  
And this also co-stars my friend Toboe-san... And Toboe is a girl, by the way...

Me: So... Where are we going?

Harry: You have to meet the others...

Me: But the title of this story says that we only have to meet you...

Harry: This story is too short, so you need a second part...

Me: Says who?

Harry: I say so, SHUT UP!

Me: Fine, be that way...

Going to the Burrow to meet everyone else...

Hermione: Hello, I'm Hermione Granger...

Me: Why are you here?

Hermione: --blushes--

Me: Enough said...

Hermione: WHAT! I didn't blush... That wasn't me... I'm just here for lunch... yes; I'm here for lunch... I'm not dating Ron... What would give you that impression!

Ron: --Enters set-- And she says that I have issues with being subtle...

Toboe: --enters set-- KONNICHIWA!

Me: Konnichiwa!

Harry and Ron: Wasabi!

Toboe, Hermione, and I: --facepalm--

Toboe: --walks up to Harry, goes down onto one knee, and takes Harry's hand--

Harry: Um...

Toboe: Will you bear my children?

Ginny: --storms up to Toboe-- What did you say?

Toboe: Will you bear my children? Why? Will you?

Ginny: GRR...

--cat fight with wands--

Hermione: Shouldn't we stop their fighting?

Harry: Are you kidding? I have two girls fighting over me; I'm going to savor the moment!

Me: --facepalm--

Ginny: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Toboe: --falls to ground, dead--

Ginny: Ooops...

Ron: I told you to get over your jealousy issues before Harry returned here...

Ginny: He is not supposed to know about that! --points wand at Ron-- AVADA KE-

Hermione: What did I tell you about killing your brother in the kitchen?

Ginny: --Innocent face-- Nothing...

Hermione: --sigh--

Ron: --sudden burst of brilliance-- Wait... Harry can't bear someone's children, can he?

Me: Honestly, I do not want to know if he can or not...

Harry: Are you suggesting that I am... Ughh...

Hermione: Boys... --rolls eyes--

Me: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BOY!

Hermione: I wasn't referring to you...

Me: Oh... Okay.

Nicole: --joins people in the kitchen-- Do you have any popcorn? I'm running out.

Me: Welcome back, Nicole! Have you seen 2nd Dark Lord?

Nicole: No, I haven't seen her since we left St. Mungos... Why? You don't think something happened to her, do you?

Me: I'm more worried about Draco than I am about 2nd Dark Lord...

Ron: Lucky bugger... He has millions of girls chasing after him... I only have a few...

Hermione: --glare--

Ron: But a few is more than enough!

All except those two: --anime sweat drop--

Ginny: What do we do with the body?

Me: Just hide it somewhere... or send it to America...

Ginny: Okay, Thanks!

Me: Anyone else that I should meet here?

Harry: Not really...

Me: Until later... Sayonara...

Ron and Harry: Ramen!

2nd Dark Lord: DRACO!

Draco: --Still running...--

Nicole: Where is my popcorn?


	3. Songs of Harry Potter

I still don't own Harry Potter -sigh-

**My Ode to Sirius**  
My favorite of the Marauders,  
The funniest of the four,  
No class with him in it  
Could ever have been a bore.  
Though his second form  
may have looked like the grim,  
No one could keep a straight face  
Whenever they were around him...  
He escaped the dementors,  
He was a very clever man,  
He fled the dreadful halls  
Of the prison, Azkaban...  
He even avoided capture  
from the powerful ministry,  
So how did he manage to die  
At the hands of drapery?

**We like Harry Potty (to the music of "We Like to Party")**

The Knight Bus is coming,

And everybody's jumping.

Hogwarts to Hogsmeade village,

It's inter-wizard Quidditch!

Those magic wheels are twirling,

Its passengers are hurling….

So, if you like Harry Potty,

Voldy's dead so let's go party!


	4. The REAL Harry Potter Ending

THE MESSED UP HARRY POTTER ENDING

1. Draco marries Hermione

2. Ron kills Draco for marrying Hermione

3. Hermione kills Ron for killing Draco

4. Harry kills Hermione for killing Ron

5. Victor kills Harry for killing Hermione

6. Colin kills Victor for killing Harry

7. Fred and George kill Colin for killing victor

8. Dennis kills Fred and George for killing Colin

9. Mrs. Weasley kills Dennis for killing Fred and George

10. Mrs. Creevey kills Mrs. Weasley for killing Dennis

11. Ginny kills Mrs. Creevey for killing Mrs. Weasley

12. Mr. Fudge kills Ginny for killing Mrs. Creevey (to reduce exposure risks)

13. Neville kills Mr. Fudge for killing Ginny

14. Percy kills Neville for killing Mr. Fudge

15. Neville's grandmother kills Percy for killing Neville

15. Mr. Weasley kills Neville's grandmother for killing Percy

16. Professor Lockhart kills Mr. Weasley for killing Neville's grandmother (he still has serious memory loss)

17. Dumbledore kills Professor Lockhart for killing Mr. Weasley

18. Voldemort thanks and becomes friend with Dumbledore for killing Lockhart.

19. Death eaters turn on Voldemort for going good

20. Dumbledore and Voldemort brought back the ghosts of dead people who join forces with the dementors and kill the death eaters and everyone else on earth

21. There is no one left on earth except Dumbledore and Voldemort.

22. Voldemort and Dumbledore both die in a freak chainsaw-juggling accident.

23. Martians take over the world.


End file.
